Saturday, 3 December 2011

An A-Z of Christmas Humbug: A is for Advent Calendar.

Gosh darn it and bugger, dear readers! It seems I have quite forgotten to MAKE the children an Advent Calendar!!!

In spite of weeks of trying to get myself into the Christmas spirit, including excessive and uncontrollable drooling over vintage baubles, clandestine hoarding of festive issues of 'Ideal Home' and 'Country Living' magazine, and to top it all, seeing troubling visions of Nigella just before I fall asleep every night (her face and head, but with the body of an Outdoor-Reared Organic Goose), I have once again failed to live up to expectations. Yes, FAILED.

It was meant to be the perfect way to start the perfect Christmas. A homemade ‘eco’ advent calendar fashioned from recycled tin cans, decorated by the children as a wintry after-school activity, with naif squiggly dates crayoned on recycled cardboard discs. Just divine!!!! I imagined it sitting there - on the kitchen mantelpiece above the range - amidst sprigs of artfully arranged greenery (from Sunday afternoon family walks in the forest), and homemade bunting made from recycled copies of The Guardian. (If you're inspired to make one yourself, you could use The Financial Times; the red print has a subtle Christmassy character. But please, please, for the love of God and the baby Jesus, please don’t use The Sun, or * sucks teeth with horror, almost keels over just thinking about it* ANY of the red-tops.)

But now, the dream is over, and I have already succumbed to one of the last branded chocolate advent calendars in the local Gro-Tesquo Express range. The window ‘hinges’ are only partly perforated, so I have to use a laser to open them, and there is a further layer of lacerating foil curtain to penetrate. To extract the chocolate, I need to use a pair of precision tweezers. But needless to say, it’s so worth it when you taste the chocolate.

It will be the same with the rest of Christmas, of course. I will probably let all my friends down, and my family, BUT MOST OF ALL MYSELF. There will be missed culinary deadlines, broken Christmas lights, recurring feelings of failure and inadequacy, and worst of all, a tiny misplaced slip of paper featuring the names of those I must buy for in my street’s ‘Secret Santa’ draw. (Yes, dear neighbours, I did consider a face-to-face confession, but blogging about it is less painful, less humiliating…)

On a positive note, there will be a charming musical reindeer from my aunt, and Quality Street, and gravy granules, and the most vulgar electric blue tinsel in the whole of Christendom, and an artificial tree decorated by an excited six and four year old, and a baby. And it won’t be chic, but it will be ours.

Happy Christmas!

PS: Yes I do realise it’s December 3rd and a piece on advent calendars should be published on december 1stBut this is all part of the joys of Total Festive Fuckwittage.

PPS: I am deeply indebted to FellatioNelson’s Ponce-tastic Christmas thread on Mumsnet for inspiring me to write this blog. 


  1. I briefly considered sewing Christmas bunting this year. What was I thinking? I shall in fact just order everything I need from M&S as per usual.

  2. High five? Am right there with you being shit all through the festive season. (And the rest of the year).

  3. catsyellow - i'm so glad you refrained. the high street NEEDS you x
    Lise - I still laugh at your jelly cat (or was it a teddy?). i'm now going to TAG you to make a festive jelly reindeer, and take a photo of it!! x

  4. So you have vanquished the nasty case of bloggers block then? I am such a bah humbug person and so are my oversized boobies - can't wait to get the whole thing out of the way so I can get back to normality. Christmas makes me feel tired and grumpy. You could try rubber gloves opening that vault of an advent calendar! X.

  5. Oh, fecking Christmas. Why can't it just feck off. It's such a huge conspiracy to make us feel generally inadequate and useless. Well, more than usual, anyhow. It's just like any other day, only with tinsel. And big tins of chocolate. Ah screw it, that's a regular Tuesday for me.

  6. Older Mum - is there a danger that you are just projecting your own feelings of bah humbug-ness on to your oversized norks? Maybe your norks would appreciate some festive accessorising? mais non?!!

  7. Motherventing, when you said 'tinsel', I think you meant 'gingham bunting'. And when you said 'big tins of chocolate', I think you meant "pretty organza bags threaded onto to real white ribbon and filled with scrummy yuletide treats such as homemade bramble marshmallows and fruity biscotti."? Yeah? Phew. x

  8. you were going to make an advent calendar. For god's sake pull yourself together woman and remember you are a mother and not a superbeing!

    Bloody Hell - let them loose on the chocolate it is Christmas!