Tuesday, 6 December 2011

An A-Z of Christmas Humbug: B is for ...

Operator: Hello, emergency services operator. Which service do you require?
Caller: Something’s happened. I just got home. You’ve got to send someone. You need to send someone quick as you bloody can. Please. For fucksakes ... please...
Operator: Please calm down sir. What service do you require? What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I got home. Something’s happened. I think… maybe … there’s a body in the house. Maybe an animal ... I can’t walk in the house I’m telling you …dunno wot the fuck it is. I’m on the phone in the hallway and I can’t walk in the house … it’s too much …there’s this stench from hell … it’s on my clothes on my skin in my mouth in my fuckin throat I can’t breathe … it’s coming at me like this wall of pure shit you’ve got to believe me … you can almost see it…
Operator: You need to calm down sir.
Caller: Its like being tied to a fucking corpse I’m telling you … I feel like I’m gonna black out … you've got to send someone, got to send someone. Oh, no, hang on, sorry, no … What d’you say? What did you say love? My wife’s just walked into the hallway. Didn’t know she was here, swear to Christ I didn’t! What love … you are kidding me? Sprouts?
Operator: Slow down sir. You said sprouts?
Caller: It’s my wife. She was cooking Brussel Sprouts, must have forgotten to put the extractor on and shit, silly cow. Yeah, yeah, yeah I know. No I’m fine sir, no really, that’s not necessary. I’ll be ok. Yeah, no, I’m ok.

Happy Christmas 

PS I know the title suggests a daily blog in the run up to Christmas. However, as this series is dedicated to the practice of Total Festive Fuckwittage (see previous blog), and to exploring emotions like disappointment, guilt, and, of course, feelings of failure, it's highly unlikely to happen. Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry mummy please love me mummy please I'm so sorry sorry sorry 


  1. I am in awe of your sweary vocabulary. Honestly. Some people say swearing is a sign of limited vocabulary. I say, bullshit, it's just sometimes (most of the time)the only way to get your point across. Loving your blog

  2. I think that you and I should be signing up to The Bawdy Manifesto, which states:

    "We hold these truths to be self evident: That all words are created equal and are endowed with certain inalienable rights among which is the right to life — and that the four letter words are especially deserving of attention and protection. They include but are not limited to the seven of Supreme Court Fame: fuck, shit, piss, prick, cunt, cocksucker, and motherfucker. Few other words have their force, directness, or clarity of meaning." http://www.bawdylanguage.com/manifesto.htm

    So moving. It brings tears to the eyes doesn't it?

  3. Bloody well serves you right for cooking brussell sprouts!



  4. excleelent although i do like sprouts

  5. Expat - I like sprouts too! (What a dreadful hypocrite eh..) Though, unlike nigella, I will not be faffing around with pancetta or chestnuts. x

  6. Sprouts .... an aberration of nature. This is where Darwin and his evolution theory got it wrong. Merry Happy Feckin Xmas to You! XXX

  7. Sprouts are little green balls of shit. And not in a good way.