I HATE DRIVING

By -

Look, I know I’ve probably mentioned it before - once or twice at the absolute most  - but here’s the thing guys:

DRIVING. SUCKS. ASS. TO. THE. MAX 

Driving sucks ass so badly that I’d rather be doing any or all of the following, all of which also suck ass:

1) Housework – Doing housework is like being trapped in an eternity of hellish unending frustrations of the kind meted out to that bastard Sisyphus in the Underworld.  And yet, compared with driving, housework is Pure Unadulterated Joy. For example, if someone came up to me and said, “Would you mind awfully scooping out the gungy hairballs from the shower plugholes with your bare tongue whilst I nip to the shops in the car?” I so would. Like, totally. Moreover, I would be so stupidly grateful not to be driving to the shops in a farkin death trap of a vehicle that I would also lick out the sludge from their flange, and eat the bits caught in their trap, all of which are parts of a domestic bathroom or kitchen sink. That's how bad driving is. 

2) Reading The Sun – everybody who reads the Sun is a fucking imbecile and everybody who thinks it’s okay to stare at some Page 3 topless beauty's whamdanglers in public is not only an imbecile, but a boorish twat who deserves to have their bugfucker of a penis whipped out in public and ridiculed. Right? Having said that, if you’re willing to give me a lift to Swansea so that I don’t have to use the M4, or worse still, merge with the M4 via The Slip Road (or as I prefer to call it, The Riverbank of Hell), I’ll happily pop out at the services to get you your copy of The Sun, and we can drool over some fun bags together. That’s how bad driving is. 

Singing God Save the Queen – to be fair, we don’t do a lot of singing God Save the Queen over by 'ere in Wales, but whenever it threatens to happen, something happens to me that I can only describe as a psychotic episode. At first, I hear voices. The voices tell me that the royals are a bunch of freeloading horsefaced inbreds who also happen to be the UK’s most brazen benefit cheats. Then I get delusions of grandeur in which I imagine I'm a citizen, not a subject!! Wow. That's some crazy shit right there, yeah! By the time the song starts, I have such a hate hard-on that I just can't sing it, and I will never ever sing it, unless of course, you agree that we can take a taxi home from the concert and leave my car on the roadside and forget to come back to get it. Forever. Then I'll be so happy I won't be able to help myself. That's how motherfucking bad driving is. 

Bon voyage!


In case you hadn't noticed, and why would you cos I haven't used it as a title, this is kind of part of a blog meme called Room 101, in which bloggers list the things they would consign to Hell. Nobody tagged me to write for it. But in what is probably a terrible and unforgivable breach of blogging etiquette, I've written a version of it anyway, and I'm also gonna tag a trio of funnee bloggy folks to do the same:

Adventures of a Middle Aged Matron 
The Ramblings of a Formerly Rock n' Roll Mum 
The Plankton
  




Comments

  1. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron6 September 2013 at 16:52

    Hard act to follow, my dear, but I'll spend the Sunday service pondering hell for you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Unknown6 September 2013 at 16:59

    Haha great post, I hated driving so much that aged 17 while still learning, I pulled to the kerb, got out, and said 'That is it, I am never driving again' . And I haven't. Partly through loathing of said skill, partly through stubborness (even tho I am now 40, and uttered my declaration some 23 year years ago, I am still not prepared to go back on my word....) and partly because I have been far too poor to consider it ever since!

    I have already done my Room 101 thing, you can have a look here if you like ... http://www.rocknrollmum.com/2013/08/room-101.html , but next time I write a random list of things I dislike I shall be sure to dedicate it to you! (that sounds like I mean I don't like you, I do, you are my favourite new blog discovery this week!) xx

    ReplyDelete
  3. Flossing the Cat6 September 2013 at 17:58

    Middle Aged Matron. My advice is that you concentrate on the Sunday service as I really don't want to be in any way responsible for the fate of your soul.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Flossing the Cat6 September 2013 at 18:08

    Hi Sonya. My hatred of driving also began at the tender age of 17. I clearly remember this dog, staring at me throughout my first attempt at reverse parking. I still remember the look of incredulity and disdain in his eyes. It was so humiliating. I gave up after that.

    Popping over to your own personal hell ... x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unknown8 September 2013 at 09:29

      Nolan hated driving so much he didn't learn. Instead found me a sex kitten who can cook and drive (modesty prevents me listing all my attributes) how cute was that?

      Delete
  5. Flossing the Cat9 September 2013 at 09:21

    Hey Judith, when I first read your comment I thought you meant that Nolan found a sex kitten for you, which is very open-minded of him I must say!!

    PS I think you need to write a blog listing all your attributes...

    ReplyDelete
  6. Unknown9 September 2013 at 21:01

    Punctuation not one of them

    ReplyDelete
  7. fsmum16 September 2013 at 18:43

    I actually love driving. Your post made me giggle though! I am still chuckling away! Love, love, love all the comments you made!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Flossing the Cat17 September 2013 at 08:42

    Hi fsmum. I did sort of enjoy it once, or at least, I didn't grind my teeth for the whole of the trip. It was about six in the morning and there was literally nobody else on the road. That was ok. Glad i made you laugh though!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

HOW I LOVE A GOOD VALETING

By -
Not so long ago I took my car for a Gold Valet at a national car-wash chain. Usually I don’t go anywhere near car-washes or anything car-wash related. Whilst I’m not the kind of nutter who imagines that the giant foam brushes will crash through my windscreen or make me feel like I’m in a coffin, oh no no no, I’m still nervous of all those instructions about engaging certain gears, and stopping when certain lights flash, and how, if you’re not following the instructions, you might be KILLED or MAIMED in an unimaginably freakish way. But a valet sounds manageable. Even nice! I went as far as hoping it would mark the start of brand-new more organised me. Yeah, right. You see, I didn’t notice the small print, the invisible print, the print that should have been there:      Do not bring your car for a valet here unless you like ritual humiliation.   Do not bring your car for a valet here unless you like having shame heaped upon you. Definitely do not bring your car f...
Read more

SCHOOL RUN

By -
There are few things I hate more in life than the school run. 1. The mindless tit-fest that is The Sun ‘newspaper.’ 2. People who don’t pick up their dog crap 3. Going to the dentist (don’t mind needles and pain - just don’t like being told how to brush my teeth, ‘in a circular motion’, when I’m 42) 4. The Royal Family. Don't get me started. The reason I hate the school run is because I AM LATE for every pick up, for every drop-off, for every appointment. I say this to other mothers and in a well-meaning gesture of sisterly solidarity they usually say something like, “So am I. It’s a nightmare!”  To which I should say: NO. YOU. ARE. NOT. Just to clarify. I am not lazy. I don’t oversleep. I don’t go to Tesco Express in my pyjamas. I have even been known to be up and dressed before 7am, even in November. In fact, the daily psychic meltdown doesn’t really begin until around 8.30am, when the only remaining tasks are a) find a bobble for the bale of sticky ha...
Read more

INANIMATE OBJECTS ARE ASSHOLES

By -
Image
Inanimate objects suck. With a few notable exceptions - such as books, a special companion of mine called Lelo who lives in a velvet pouch in my bedside cabinet, and my iPhone - inanimate objects are all assholes. Take this lot: Sellotape. Don’t buy sellotape. You will lose it immediately. When you lose it, there is absolutely no point looking for it in desks, cupboards, ‘odds and ends’ drawers, or any other place normally associated with stationery. Instead, save yourself some time and check the following places: the cat litter tray, the fireplace, the park, the mythological realms of Camelot and Atlantis, or any of the 26 space-time dimensions posited by string theory.   Curtain hooks etc The other day I was trying to hang some curtains. I quickly came to the conclusion that any item of hardware connected with drapery is, unequivocally, a cunt. Keys Keys are despicable objects that live deep inside the lining of your coat.  Nobody knows how they got there, or when, as yo...
Read more