Sunday, 9 December 2012


This week, I’ve been mostly asking the question, “Does anyone know how this fucking thing works?”

For instance:

i) The open and close buttons in lifts.

I mean. What the fuck? What's with the runes? I don’t know runes. I have never known runes. In short, I am utterly shit at runes and at any other kind of ancient alphabet system. So here's for a madcap hare-brained idea. Why not get someone to write OPEN and CLOSE on the lift buttons, eh, ehEH ? That way there would be no risk of anyone wringing the living shit out of anyone else whilst trying to enter a lift.

Ii) Also, what’s with those hot water catering urns you get at kids parties? Does anyone know how you get water out of those bastards? Anyone?

Cuppa anyone? Mwa ha ha ha mwa ha ha ha ha!! 

I know it looks like the water should come out of the little tap thing at the bottom, but the problem is that the little tap thing at the bottom NEVER has a functioning lever, so that all you can really do is a) pull the lever up and down for a bit like a total lame-o then pretend you didn’t really want a cup of tea in the first place; or b) wait for a supremely competent mother who looks like Samantha Cameron on speed, to come rushing up to you in head-to-toe Boden screaming, “Here, let me help. I’m totally brilliant.”

ii) And since I’m on a theme. How about the tea and coffee making apparatus in supermarket restaurants? Was there ever a machine more perfectly designed to FUCK.YOU.IN.THE. MIND?? Because it turns out that if you actually want to retrieve boiling water from one of these machines, the correct button to press is NOT the red button at the front of the machine –you dyspraxic loser but the tiny insignifant button with the faded print somewhere on the bottom left hand corner. Duh.

There are other things that aren’t obvious to me. Of course there are. A trillion and nine, to quote my son's favourite number. But for now, here is a short list I made earlier, divided into two easy-to-navigate categories under the headings 'Bastards' And 'Assholes'. It's an extremely nuanced list, as you will see, as it's pretty difficult to define the difference  between bastards and assholes. I was toying with creating a third category under the heading 'Absolute Cunts', but then I thought, Starbucks, George Osborne, and News International don't really count as inanimate objects. 

  • Safety gates
  • Car washes
  • Petrol pumps with the long nozzles that stretch all the way over your car to your petrol hole (or whatever it's called), so that if you’d only frickin known, you could have stayed where you were, instead of reversing out of the space like a total loser, and waiting in the adjacent queue with everyone laughing at you ...  

  • All. Printers.Without. Exception. 
  • Cling film and cling film dispensers - even the Lakeland one that every one on Mumsnet thinks is the dogs bollox 
  • Automatic car washes 
  • Those name badges you get given in conferences. How the f*$k do they work? The only way I can attach them to my body is to literally clamp them on to my nipple, which is difficult, as most of my nipple got chewed off during breastfeeding.   
  • Curtain eyelets or anything to do with the act of hanging curtains. In fact I would go far as to say that any item of hardware connected with drapery is, unequivocally, a cunt. 

Feel free to add to the list, of course. 


  1. How could I have forgotten nail clippers!!! Nail clippers are totally incompatible with the shape of a human toenail or fingernail. They are stupid and evil. I hate them.

  2. Resealable packaging. Both the rice & pasta sticky label variety and the zippy cheese packet variety. Has anyone ever resealed them? If so, they were probably wearing head to toe Boden, except for the Joules riding boots.

  3. Cellophane on tampons: the timely unpicking of.

  4. Any kind of packaging to be honest. Is there anything worse than buying a dolly and then having to unscrew hundreds of screwed down black plastic ties from the back of the box???

    NO. NOT THAT KIND OF DOLLY. That would be worse, what with the sense of mounting urgency ...

  5. Your posts are always so fab to read, especially as the weather is so bloody cheerless at the moment. Okay, for what it's worth ... the wings on sanitary towels, duvets, the thin film underneath the main lid of the houmous tub...

    BTW you are so right about the open and close sign on lifts - they do look like runes - that will make me laugh every time I see those now! :o).

  6. I got a laugh reading this. Chuckle..