INANIMATE OBJECTS ARE ASSHOLES

Inanimate objects suck. With a few notable exceptions - such as books, a special companion of mine called Lelo who lives in a velvet pouch in my bedside cabinet, and my iPhone - inanimate objects are all assholes.

Take this lot:

Sellotape.

Don’t buy sellotape. You will lose it immediately. When you lose it, there is absolutely no point looking for it in desks, cupboards, ‘odds and ends’ drawers, or any other place normally associated with stationery. Instead, save yourself some time and check the following places: the cat litter tray, the fireplace, the park, the mythological realms of Camelot and Atlantis, or any of the 26 space-time dimensions posited by string theory.  

Curtain hooks etc

The other day I was trying to hang some curtains. I quickly came to the conclusion that any item of hardware connected with drapery is, unequivocally, a cunt.

Keys

Keys are despicable objects that live deep inside the lining of your coat.  Nobody knows how they got there, or when, as your coat pockets have no discernible holes. Sometimes, the only way of retrieving your keys is to take a massive, jagged swiss army knife, and stab at the beautiful, spotty red lining of your favourite coat until a huge ugly gaping hole appears. When you’ve done that, you will discover that the retrieved keys are actually a set of IKEA Allen keys, that your housekeys are in your bag, and that you are as mad as snakes.  

Ring pulls on tuna cans.

Is there anything worse than being splashed in the mouth by fishy brine juice or fishy sunflower oil? Well, as it happens, there is. You see, it doesn’t matter how vigorously you wash your mouth after being splashed  – plunge your face into boiling water or the cleansing fires of hell for all the difference it makes - you will still smell as though you have spent the whole of your life grinding your face into people’s genitals.  

Superkingsize duvet covers 

Superkingsize duvet covers are designed to fuck with your mind. At first glance they appear to have four corners, like a square or a rectangle ...mwahahaha ... mwahahaha... mwahahahahahaaaaaaa... But a superkingsize duvet cover is not a square, or a rectangle, or even a quadrilateral, numbskull. It is this: enneakaidecagon. Or sometimes this: pentakaidecagon. On really bad days, when you have PMT, it is this: hexakaideCUNTagon. To be honest, you can only be sure you're installing a superkingsize duvet cover correctly if you know how to apply the following equations:

or

          

Otherwise, burn the duvet, along with your coat, and your curtains, and your dreams, on a massive bonfire, and just walk out into the infinite night.   

With your Lelo.

PS: I have just discovered that Lelo is also the name for a high-end female pleasure object. What a weird coincidence!!