Tuesday, 17 January 2012


Inanimate objects suck. With a few notable exceptions - such as books, a special companion of mine called Lelo who lives in a velvet pouch in my bedside cabinet, and my iPhone - inanimate objects are all assholes.

Take this lot:

Don’t buy sellotape. You will lose it immediately. When you lose it, there is absolutely no point looking for it in desks, cupboards, ‘odds and ends’ drawers, or any other place normally associated with stationery. Instead, save yourself some time and check the following places: the cat litter tray, the fireplace, the park, the mythological realms of Camelot and Atlantis, or any of the 26 space-time dimensions posited by string theory.  

Curtain hooks etc
The other day I was trying to hang some curtains. I quickly came to the conclusion that any item of hardware connected with drapery is, unequivocally, a cunt.

Keys are despicable objects that live deep inside the lining of your coat.  Nobody knows how they got there, or when, as your coat pockets have no discernible holes. Sometimes, the only way of retrieving your keys is to take a massive, jagged swiss army knife, and stab at the beautiful, spotty red lining of your favourite coat until a huge ugly gaping hole appears. When you’ve done that, you will discover that the retrieved keys are actually a set of IKEA Allen keys, that your housekeys are in your bag, and that you are as mad as snakes.  

Ring pulls on tuna cans.
Is there anything worse than being splashed in the mouth by fishy brine juice or fishy sunflower oil? Well, as it happens, there is. You see, it doesn’t matter how vigorously you wash your mouth after being splashed  – plunge your face into boiling water or the cleansing fires of hell for all the difference it makes - you will still smell as though you have spent the whole of your life grinding your face into people’s genitals.  

Superkingsize duvet covers 
Superkingsize duvet covers are designed to fuck with your mind. At first glance they appear to have four corners, like a square or a rectangle ...mwahahaha ... mwahahaha... mwahahahahahaaaaaaa... But a superkingsize duvet cover is not a square, or a rectangle, or even a quadrilateral, numbskull. It is this: enneakaidecagon. Or sometimes this: pentakaidecagon. On really bad days, when you have PMT, it is this: hexakaideCUNTagon. To be honest, you can only be sure you're installing a superkingsize duvet cover correctly if you know how to apply the following equations:


Otherwise, burn the duvet, along with your coat, and your curtains, and your dreams, on a massive bonfire, and just walk out into the infinite night.   

With your Lelo.

PS: I have just discovered that Lelo is also the name for a high-end female pleasure object. What a weird coincidence!! 


  1. Animate objects can be shits too I find.

  2. I found your blog on Love All Blogs and frankly, LOVE it. I've read a few of your posts and you are hilarious. I laughed out loud at this one and a few others. Keep up the good work!


  3. Ta for your lovely posts.

    I think Animate Objects Can Be Shits Too would be a fab idea for my next blog, although there is the small and boring matter of people's feelings to consider. Tsk!

    Oi! FM! What d'ya mean you found a 'few' of my other blogs funny? *Fetches paranoia meds *

    1. Err...well I haven't read them ALL so I can't say they're ALL funny cos erm...I'd be lying! So no paranoia please!

  4. Love the equation maybe thats where I have been going wrong! Your so right about selotape too! x

  5. I was actually thinking of offering up some prize for whoever could work out what this was an equation for ....

    Selotape is the work of the devil, as is clingfilm, now I'm coming to think of it. I don't know why I didn't mention clingfilm. Maybe it's just too traumatic to joke about ...

  6. I also despise with the venom of Hades cohorts or that three headed dog thing that guards the gates of the underworld tuna cans and fishy tuna spray - no matter how hard I try those nasty flakes always find a way onto my hands - then they smell as you so accurately describe like genitals for the rest of the day. I would love a super king size duvet but alas I have to make do with just a king - and there isnt enough of it for two people !!!!!

  7. Pitbulls are little shits but that three-headed dog thing is the pits. It's got to be an illegal breed, if you ask me. But, on the plus side, you've got a king. I mean, I've got a nice duvet, to be sure, but I don't have a king. I'm not surprised you don't want to share him xx

  8. This post is brilliant. Can you sell me the copyright please? PS You forgot my favourite inanimate foe - the Tissue. There's never one down your bra strap when you need one cos they're always in the washing machine on the hot cycle.

  9. We can put a telescope into space, we can clone a sheep and grow an ear on the back of a mouse, we can build a tunnel under the sea between countries and we can access the internet from a phone in our pockets. And yet STILL, no scientist has found an easier and more efficient way of putting a sodding duvet in a duvet cover. WHY, GOD? WHY?

  10. It's a mystery. Scientists have got their priorities ALL wrong. x

  11. I feel your pain on the curtain hooks.

  12. And what if I were to say Tension Rods? How much does that hurt?