flossing the cat

So, gals, here's the thing.  A couple of weeks ago, I discovered I suffer from a previously unknown condition called 'simia cervux' ( to give it its Latin name), meaning my cervix is basically a monkey. This shocking discovery was made during a routine smear test, when the practice nurse, having pried me open with an icy metal speculum THIS big (the bronze vaginal dilators of ancient Rome are an excellent reference point), made an  exasperated announcement. “Cheeky little monkey your cervix, isn’t she!”     As always I tried to make light of things. "Ha ha! Maybe try banana on top of the swab?!” I said. Like a twat. She shot me one of those weary “not again” looks that people usually reserve for moments when they a) step in dog shit or b) hear something Michael Gove said. Which is very fucking annoying, as it was she who brought the monkey into the conversation in the first place. I'm not a fucking vet, love.  Of course, this isn’t the fi

(from The Extremely Over-Protective Mummy's Handbook)  Everybody knows that there are two kinds of nipple.  The first kind of nipple looks like a nipple, or, perhaps, a kitten's nose. Gentle but perky, with a hint of moist juiciness, it is usually attached to what family newspaper editors* like David  Dinsmore  like to call hooters,  funbags ,  or chumbawombas. It can also be seen on a daily basis through pretty much anything worn by Rihanna or Beyonce.  The second kind of nipple, conversely, looks  like something you might find stuck to your shoe i.e chewing gum.  Often the result of extreme breastfeeding, which in the UK means breastfeeding for more than three days, it could also (apparently) be mistaken for an attack of ringworm, or a scary witch's teat, which is why y ou never see it featured in newspapers, magazines, campaign billboards, or on the catwalks at New York Fashion Show .  Not so long ago, I was confronted by a nip of the second variety   on